Choices

I like to think I stay positive most of the time. If not entirely positive, then realistic based on the situation. I still expect every day to be good, for people to perform at their full potential, for things to go well. And every day I am disappointed when it doesn't turn out that way, but I start the next day the same way.

Some may say I can't learn from the past so I am condemned to repeat it. I'm not sure I look at it that way, as I can't imagine waking up and expecting it's going to be a bad day. Some would say I am unrealistically optimistic. At another time in my life I would have spurned being referred to as acting pollyanna-ish, showing an overly optimistic and benevolently cheerful state of mind. Now I rephrase it as a positivity bias, where I am  more likely to expect positive results than negative and notice positive information more than negative information.

Research suggests that focusing on the positive is more productive and leads to happiness.
It's not like I can just ignore the negative and make it go away. While a positive focus makes us feel better in the present, recognizing and helping solve a problem or injustice can make more people happier in the long-term.

Truth is, it isn't easy and it hasn't been easy. I struggle with depression. My life is far from perfect. But I now realize all the pain and struggles I have experienced has prepared me to understand myself better, to realize my potential, to be able to survive falling farther than I ever believed possible.

I have decided to be happy, to embrace my gifts, to live a life of purpose. It wasn't easy to focus on the good instead of what was right in front of me. I felt broken, tired of feeling sad, hiding my true feelings from even myself. I never wanted to feel that way, the way I had been feeling for years. It was then I decided to try my best to never return to a place of chronic distress and misery. I would do everything in my power to heal and be happy.
I was going to love without abandon and with no expectations. I was going to see the best in myself and others. I was going to hold myself accountable for my actions and do excellent work. I wanted to feel free and happy.

I took a shotgun approach, which is completely unlike my scientific method perspective to everything, making one change and waiting to see what happens. I changed my meds, went to counseling, tried being mindful, controlled my breathing, and told people about my struggles. Ultimately, it all rests on my shoulders.

Some days I fail, but I like to think I have have more wins than losses. I have grown more than I thought possible. My life is filled with beautiful feelings, sad moments, and everything in-between. That's when I realize I have no choice but to be grateful for all of it, no matter how hard it has been. I try to be mindful of my mistakes and learn from them.

I share this not for pity or praise, not for understanding or compliments, not for empathy or approval. My words, my tale, my story, is testimony for anyone who struggles with depression.

Pollyanna wasn’t expecting money or prizes. She was looking for strength, growth, and resilience. She sought out the benefits that challenging situations can eventually lead to. Happiness, love and success are all choices. Our entire life is one huge choice. Staying in one place, being complacent and thinking it isn't so bad is easy. Choosing to be happy and positive is not simple, but it's worth it. It's all about making choices.