Return To Sender

Letters are intrinsically dramatic. Were you expecting one? Who is it from? What are they writing about? In this day and age of electronic mail, how often do you get letters?

I received two envelopes earlier this week. Both arrived on the same day. Both were canceled on the same day, albeit it in different cites. And both contained hooey.

That's right, hooey. Babble, balderdash, baloney, drivel, garbage, gibberish, hogwash, horse-feathers, piffle, poppycock, rubbish, tomfoolery. Call it what you will, it was hooey.

One envelope contained a money making opportunity that was not a chain letter. The author (unknown, of course) guaranteed it was not in violation of the US Postal Code. In fact, they stated it several times. And had a letter from a lawyer (no name, of course) indicating it is legal. And it was seen on Oprah and 20/20, so it must be true, right?

The second envelope contained a letter from my ex-employer, the mail-order company Harry & David, explaining they would "not rest until we once again feed you, and your soul". It was signed by the new Chairman, CEO and Chief Happiness Officer. Oh puleeze. Perhaps they should try purging their mailing list of all the ex-employees that were laid-off over the last 18 months before sending a form letter that supposedly speaks to your soul.

E-mail, telephones, fast food...so much instant gratification. Letters are planned and organized, hold your attention and provide the uninterrupted privacy so many of us long for. I was ready to respect the time and effort put into both only to have my hopes dashed not once but twice in the same day.