Choices

I like to think I stay positive most of the time. If not entirely positive, then realistic based on the situation. I still expect every day to be good, for people to perform at their full potential, for things to go well. And every day I am disappointed when it doesn't turn out that way, but I start the next day the same way.

Some may say I can't learn from the past so I am condemned to repeat it. I'm not sure I look at it that way, as I can't imagine waking up and expecting it's going to be a bad day. Some would say I am unrealistically optimistic. At another time in my life I would have spurned being referred to as acting pollyanna-ish, showing an overly optimistic and benevolently cheerful state of mind. Now I rephrase it as a positivity bias, where I am  more likely to expect positive results than negative and notice positive information more than negative information.

Research suggests that focusing on the positive is more productive and leads to happiness.
It's not like I can just ignore the negative and make it go away. While a positive focus makes us feel better in the present, recognizing and helping solve a problem or injustice can make more people happier in the long-term.

Truth is, it isn't easy and it hasn't been easy. I struggle with depression. My life is far from perfect. But I now realize all the pain and struggles I have experienced has prepared me to understand myself better, to realize my potential, to be able to survive falling farther than I ever believed possible.

I have decided to be happy, to embrace my gifts, to live a life of purpose. It wasn't easy to focus on the good instead of what was right in front of me. I felt broken, tired of feeling sad, hiding my true feelings from even myself. I never wanted to feel that way, the way I had been feeling for years. It was then I decided to try my best to never return to a place of chronic distress and misery. I would do everything in my power to heal and be happy.
I was going to love without abandon and with no expectations. I was going to see the best in myself and others. I was going to hold myself accountable for my actions and do excellent work. I wanted to feel free and happy.

I took a shotgun approach, which is completely unlike my scientific method perspective to everything, making one change and waiting to see what happens. I changed my meds, went to counseling, tried being mindful, controlled my breathing, and told people about my struggles. Ultimately, it all rests on my shoulders.

Some days I fail, but I like to think I have have more wins than losses. I have grown more than I thought possible. My life is filled with beautiful feelings, sad moments, and everything in-between. That's when I realize I have no choice but to be grateful for all of it, no matter how hard it has been. I try to be mindful of my mistakes and learn from them.

I share this not for pity or praise, not for understanding or compliments, not for empathy or approval. My words, my tale, my story, is testimony for anyone who struggles with depression.

Pollyanna wasn’t expecting money or prizes. She was looking for strength, growth, and resilience. She sought out the benefits that challenging situations can eventually lead to. Happiness, love and success are all choices. Our entire life is one huge choice. Staying in one place, being complacent and thinking it isn't so bad is easy. Choosing to be happy and positive is not simple, but it's worth it. It's all about making choices.

 

Chances

Mental health issues are difficult to understand, even for those of us who suffer from them. The capacity for joy, knowing how much we are loved, is intertwined with the immensity of the illness; the sadness, being forsaken, feeling forlorn.

Depression can be all consuming or intermittent; regardless, it hurts for the rest of a person's life. It shapes us, is part of our lives, makes us seem strange and  misunderstood.

There are moments in life that break our hearts into a million pieces, tear our souls out from within, stop us in our tracks mentally/emotionally, leave us longing. I miss my childhood, when life seemed so simple. I miss my parents, especially on a warm summer night, which reminds me of camping, our choice of summer vacation. So many people, so many places, remembering the unconditional love and never worrying about the future.

I have found that reliving the original trauma or incident that caused it will ease the pain. It is not a simple thing to do or everyone would do it. This is not something I would wish on anyone.

There is pain and grief in those tears, but mainly there is wonder, beauty, empathy, hope, and happiness. While onlookers or companions or family cannot take the pain away, sharing the pain of those who remain can show they are not alone.

We may never be able to take away the depression of a loved one, but we can still give them a good day. And it's that what we strive for, to make others happy, to make life worth living, to have others smile.

Depression is an illness that sometimes is deadly, but we don't treat it like that. Nobody would call a person selfish or cruel who died because of cancer. Suicide because of depression isn't a choice. It's the last symptom of an illness. It isn't selfish when it is something one needs to do for oneself. It isn't selfish to end unbearable agony.

From my vantage point, I understand how people get to that point. I'm not there, and I'm not a threat to myself. I just understand. I have a family to support that can't live without my income, a wife who needs my love and a daughter that needs me to be the best father I can be. I also have a very large ego that keep me thinking I'd disappoint a bunch of people, and that goes directly against my need to make people happy.

Every one has free will, but not every one uses it. As much as you might care and want to avoid the bad outcomes, it sometimes happens despite all you can do. We have some control and some influence but many events are beyond our control. Sometimes we just believe we sleep with the certain knowledge of those we wish to be at peace are, and that they wish us to be as well.

Life just disappears, everything you are, everything we were, gone in a moment, like breath on a mirror. We must take all our chances while we can, as we never know when they'll pass us by. Life is too short not to make others happy, even if we can't always be happy ourselves.