It's not inherently negative to think over different scenarios and how they could have played out. How we choose to frame it in our minds, and what we do about it, is vital to our well being.
The bitter tears of self-reproach tend to involve distorted thinking. It's easy to label yourself as a "loser" when you fail to achieve at work, a relationship falls apart and ends, finding yourself emotionally broken because things went awry.
Detachment, anxiety and depression can be the outcome of failing to reconcile thoughts that result in feelings of shame, guilt or regret. Those emotional bruises are self-inflicted and are among the hardest to recover from. No one knows you better than yourself, so you deserve to feel that way.
It is the judgment of our self or how we think others perceive us that causes us to feel flawed and unworthy. Perfectionism is known to be a manifestation of fear of failing, disapproval or letting others down. You get into the cycle of needing things to be perfect, to repeating things over in the same way because they worked before, paralyzed from considering alternatives or taking any risk because it may not be good enough.
We often cannot recognize when our responsibility ends, where our personal ownership lies, where we can't take on everything that goes awry. It is not always clear how much of what went wrong is ours to own. Once we understand what is our responsibility, we need to own it, acknowledge our part in what is wrong, what we created through action or inaction.
We are not perfect and are not going to get it right every time. We need to recognize these truths and hold on to them. Entering into situations and relationships with that frame of mind creates an opportunity for us to evolve through introspection. Trying to be right every time means those opportunities for personal evolution never happen because we spend all our time and energy on trying to maintain the facade of perfectionism.
Self-acceptance. Sounds simple, doesn't it? All we have to do it recognize we are perfect the way we are, that we need to love ourselves for who we are, and that perfection is simply and unequivocally imperfect, a beautiful disaster, our humanity on display for all to see.
As John Steinbeck wrote in East of Eden, "And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good." We may not strive for mediocrity, but accepting that being okay, being good, being our imperfect selves, means we're okay.
Arriving at a point of self-realization where we grant ourselves the freedom to accept ourselves means our glorious imperfections are opportunities, not obstacles. We need to open our eyes, our hearts, our minds, and embrace it.
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